If you’re unfamiliar with what being Shomer Shabbos means, it is, quite simply, a person who who observes the commandments of Shabbat. This would include not being able to cook, spend money, write or operate electrical devices (among other things) throughout Shabbat (Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown). Now, what if the person you’re falling for observes Shomer Shabbat and you don’t? Can the relationship still work? Or is it doomed?
The short answer is yes, it can still work – if you want it to. Ultimately, you need to respect each other’s beliefs to make this relationships a success. Having different ideas about Shabbat is not a deal breaker, but it is something to think about. If it’s a life you’re not willing to have or compromise on, then you might want to reconsider being together. Generally, however, there’s no reason it can’t work.
What Does Shomer Shabbos Mean?
The very direct Hebrew translation of Shomer Shabbos is “Sabbath observer.” The term dates back to the earliest days of the Jewish faith and specifically deals with the most literal commandments, or mitzvot, listed in the Torah for this day of religious observance. For you to celebrate shomer Shabbat accordingly, these commandments must be followed for a full 24-hour commitment between Friday at sunset until Saturday at sunset, and there’s usually very little tolerance for exceptions or not adhering to the full list of spiritual laws in devout families.
These prohibitions aren’t just strict Jewish laws either. They’re a symbol of the Jewish identity, which was manifested in the earliest days of the faith when significant strife overcame the Hebrew people. Texts in the Old Testament, such as Exodus and Deuteronomy, detail the hardships the people endured in their beginnings, and many of these laws that the shomer Shabbat is comprised of were developed when the Jewish people were at their lowest and only had God to look to for hope and faith.
While a significant number of shomer shabbos tend to be from the Orthodox sect of the Jewish faith, it’s not uncommon for other individuals who value their spirituality above all to follow these religious observances. It will be important to discuss how you celebrate Shabbat when meeting someone you’re interested in because this is usually a substantial factor in the viability of your relationship. Oftentimes, you really tend to gel with someone better when you’re practicing the same beliefs.
What is the Purpose of a Shomer?
The sanctity of Shabbat is paramount to the Jewish faith. While many Jews have become more liberal or have integrated with other cultures within their families, highly devout sects of Judaism rely on a “shomer,” or guardian, to oversee the traditional aspects of such an important religious practice.
Most prominently, the Shomer Shabbat represents the prominent moment in the Old Testament when God rested on the seventh day after creating the world. In the modern world, this is practiced by not participating in life’s most repetitive tasks, whether that be driving, working, or utilizing technology for convenience or entertainment. Instead, the Torah calls on Jews to enter a time of spiritual reflection and rest, allowing one to reset before the beginning of a new week.
The role of the shomer is to lead by example and to act as a source of spiritual assistance among the other religious bodies, offering both guidance and support to fellow community members and helping them understand the standards. Ideally, leading with this level of devout observance encourages others to strive for the same mindfulness and adopt a similar discipline in their overall spirituality. With this divine structure, your faith and relationships are only bound to get stronger.
Shabbat Guidelines and Practices
There are a few noteworthy guidelines surrounding the do’s and don’ts of Shabbat. Here are some of the main things that separate the Shomer Shabbos from the rest.
Shabbat Don’ts
- Do any of the prohibited activities stated in the Torah, known as the “melachot.”
- Drive or travel in general.
- Work.
- Use electricity of any kind.
- Cook or eat foods not permitted during the observance.
- Engage in any commercial transactions.
- Perform physical exercise or generally any activity that requires effort.
Shabbat Do’s
- Prep food and meals ahead of time.
- Prepare the table with festive ornamentation and dishware.
- Get candles ready to be lit to usher Shabbat in.
- Study Torah with family and synagogue community.
- Engage in weekly prayer rituals and focus on spiritual reflection.
- Participate in the Havdalah ceremony.
Share stories and spend quality time bonding with family.
Shared Values
I think it’s wise to talk about this towards the beginning of a relationship. There’s no need to discuss marriage, babies, the neighborhood you’ll live in and the white picket fence you’ll have, but to discuss your core beliefs and values is important. If being Shomer Shabbos is a big part of your significant other’s life, you should not try to change that about him. If you’re with someone, it’s important to accept them for who they are, and if you can’t or don’t want to, it might not be the right relationship.
When it comes to religion, I think that’s one thing you should not push onto someone else. I also don’t think one should try to take that away from another person. Religion is personal, and if your partner strongly believes in honoring Shomer Shabbos, then you need to let him do that and not stand in his way. If you like someone enough, their religious beliefs and traditions shouldn’t change that. However, if it does, don’t beat yourself up over it; it just might not be the right person for you, and that’s okay.
Finding Middle Ground
Maybe Saturday night is your night to go out and be together rather than Friday night. Maybe you start lighting the Shabbat candles and spending part of the Sabbath with him and then go on home. Incorporating bits of the traditions into your own life shows your partner that it’s important to you because it’s important to them, and that you respect them and their beliefs.
In the end, it’s not necessarily a deal breaker at all, but you just have to think hard about whether this is what you want in your life. And, again, if you don’t, that’s okay. There will be someone out there who does and who will be perfect for them, so don’t worry about that. Take some time to think about how this will affect your life; maybe it won’t at all, and it’ll be an easy transition for you. Just be upfront and honest with yourself and with your partner. If you both want it to work, it absolutely can.
You may also be interested in 6 Reasons To Be Thankful You’re Jewish
