There are only a few times a year (Rosh Hashanah, Break the Fast, Thanksgiving, and Passover) when we feel an obligation to sit at a dining room table full of relatives who we rarely see and who will inevitably interrogate us about our love lives. At these four annual gatherings, American Jews have to defend their current single status while at the same time acting like it doesn’t bother them whatsoever (when of course it does). Despite relatives who mean well, it can be tough to maintain your good manners and answer their questions without losing your cool or being rude.
So, how do you survive the Seder when you’re single?
Engaging in Conversations Strategically
Passover Seders are a time when family comes together, and it should be joyous and reflective all at once. Later on in life, we cherish these moments more than we may have at the time, and we generally want to take away the good memories instead of recalling them as distressing.
Whether we’re comfortable in our independence or have dealt with the fallout of past unsuccessful relationships, it’s inevitable that relatives are going to inquire about your dating life. Here are a few ways you can take control of the conversation and avoid being a point of focus.
Be Honest About Your Feelings
One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself when interacting with family around the Seder is to be upfront about your current situation. If someone engages you and asks why you’re still single, give it to them straight and let them know where you’re at. Telling a relative that you’re taking time to yourself after a stressful breakup or informing them that you are completely focused on your career is a good way to put an end to the topic quickly.
You have the right to be as clear or dismissive as you want in your response to these types of questions, but remember that the more genuine you respond to their inquiry, the less they’ll continue to bother you about it. Answering directly and concisely lets them know your true feelings and establishes an understanding that you’re in control of your own personal life.
Switch Up the Subject
Unless someone is trying to have a heart-to-heart with you, most Jewish relatives are just likely to ask about your love life as a conversation starter or because they don’t know what else to talk about. In these cases, it may be easy for you to pivot and redirect the focus to another subject, such as current events, life happenings, or any hobbies or activities they do or you share in common.
Having alternative subject matters in your back pocket is a great strategy to ensure you can flip the script at a moment’s notice. Being able to switch from why you haven’t been searching endlessly for a future spouse by bringing up the new interesting show everyone’s watching is a lot easier than you may think. Just try and reserve a few different talking points to fit specific people’s interests.
Accept Advice and Respond Gracefully
At the end of the day, we need to remember that our family members mean well and only want the best for us. No matter how their delivery or tone comes across, they’re just as hopeful as us that we’ll find true love. Sometimes, seemingly even more so than we do. However, our elders do have the added advantage of showcasing their experience and maturity through their advice.
For us as younger individuals, we can listen closely to what they have to say and put it in perspective in comparison to our own lives. While it may feel rash or out of place, you can still take away positives. It always pays to be respectful in your attention to their sentiment, and once you let them say their piece, you can respond kindly and be earnest when giving your own perspective of the situation.
Participating Actively in Family Traditions
The Passover Seder is a sacred festivity, and it’s an integral part of the Jewish heritage to partake in this annual tradition of rumination and community. The entire tradition of the Haggadah is celebratory, so resorting to insignificant topics like your relationship status is unnecessary. Instead, you should be speaking with your relatives about what the Jewish identity means in your lives today and how ancient Hebrew traditions have evolved to become practiced in the present.
You can easily divert the attention of your family when you elect to read Exodus, lead songs or a question session, or even offer to educate the children on the meaning behind the seder plate and other cultural symbolism. This will help show that you’re both involved in the religious activities with your family as well as putting the focus back on the true meaning behind the holiday and not unhelpful gossip. They will like be grateful for your initiative and contributions.
Creating Your Own Meaningful Rituals
Holidays are always a time that can involve deep introspection, both spiritually and practically. This is because we often see them as an annual milestone, and everyone is likely to analyze the growth and developments in each others’ lives due to the nature of the gathering. This gives you a chance to conduct your own self-analysis, but it also serves as a recurring date in the calendar when you can set goals for where you’d like to see yourself in the coming year.
You can also take the opportunity of this annual familial unification to seek guidance from your relatives in all aspects of your life, not just relationships. These can be great ways to gain insight from those you look up to and who exhibit a sort of lifestyle that you’d like to embody yourself.
Last but certainly not least, you can take this time to dive deeply into your faith and further your relationship with God, as ultimately, he holds the plan for your future in his sights. Tying any special prayers to the timeless traditions celebrated by Jews around the world on Passover gives them more importance to you personally. It will also showcase your efforts to include finding an ideal partner who not only respects your Jewish heritage, but embraces it wholeheartedly in addition to your other personal and professional life goals.
Prepare Yourself
It’s going to happen, so you might as well be ready when it does. That socially awkward Great Aunt who wears too much perfume will ask you point-blank why you aren’t married yet. Rather than allowing her question to bring you down or open a can of worms, simply practice saying: “I’m waiting for the right person to come along and am auditioning lots of great prospects in the meantime!” Then, change the subject to ask how her mahjong/bridge ladies are doing.
If the distraction technique fails and the investigation continues, you can tug at the heart strings by replying: “You know, dating is really hard and talking about it puts a damper on my mood. We should be celebrating yet another instance of the Jewish people’s survival! Can I fill your wine glass for you (again)?”
Enlist Back-Up
Ask your hosts if you can bring a friend or two with who don’t have anywhere else to go. Our Jewish moral compass will not allow us to say no to adding a couple chairs for fellow Members of the Tribe who are looking for a place to observe a Jewish holiday. Make sure your friends are sitting with you to help deflect the onslaught of questions. You will all have to answer the inquiries into your love lives, but at least you’ll have friends with which to commiserate.
Give your guests the 411 about what to expect from which relatives, and be there for one another whenever questioning gets out of hand. As their connection to those gathering around the Seder table, it will be up to you to make sure none of the inquisitions go too far. Save your friends from your Bubbie the way Moses saved the Jewish people from King Pharoah.
Of course, you can always find another Seder to attend with friends where there won’t be elder relatives to poke and prod into your love life. But if you’re given the opportunity to spend some time with the previous generation while they are still around, it’s a good idea to do so. After all, it’s only four times a year (not counting brit milahs/baby-namings, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, weddings and funerals) and asking about their early lives is a win-win: you get to distract them from delving into your love life (or lack thereof) and you get to learn more about your family’s history.
You may also be interested in 6 Reasons To Get Excited About Passover This Year
