Finding a beshert (soulmate) is an important part of Jewish life. Many cultures take dating lightly these days, but in the Jewish tradition, dating is not intended for entertainment purposes. It is reserved for men and women actively seeking marriage.
As the beginning of a more serious relationship that leads to marriage, Jewish dating rules provide a roadmap to respecting yourself, your future partner, your family, and tradition as a whole. This is the foundation upon which successful marriages are built.
Judaism views marriage as important to human companionship and the foundation of community. It is the fulfillment of the biblical commandment to be fruitful and multiply. Once they start dating, whether through the Shidduch or online, a couple is considered a prospective bride and groom. The couple will need to follow many Jewish dating rules and customs once they get serious.
The History of Jewish Dating Customs
The origins of Jewish dating customs reach back to Biblical times when marriages served family and community interests alongside romantic connections. Arranged marriages were common. The Torah presents narratives about arranged marriages such as the one between Isaac and Rebecca, which Abraham’s servant orchestrated. Parents or matchmakers (shadchanim) arranged marriages while making sure the couple was compatible in romantic aspects as well as spiritual, financial, and family matters. More than just the bride and groom participated in the marriage process. Families entered into a binding agreement through marriage to maintain Jewish continuity.
Dating as a concept did not exist in many traditional communities. Courtship was very different from our contemporary understanding of dating. The Talmud provides detailed instructions regarding Jewish matchmaking and marriage that focus on modesty while respecting communal participation. The shadchan continued to play a vital role in medieval Jewish communities, where people entered marriage arrangements while still young.
The customs surrounding dating underwent significant changes throughout the 19th and 20th centuries. The diaspora’s integration into Western societies led to an increased acceptance of love matches. Traditional matchmaking stood strong within Orthodox and Hasidic communities to ensure marriages respected religious principles.
Jewish Dating Rules, Customs, and Traditions
Although Jewish dating rules can vary depending on the level of observance, there are some common threads that run through it all. Here are a few of those rules and how they fit into the modern dating scene.
Shidduch (Matchmaking)
Shidduch dating is the traditional system used to meet potential mates. A shadchan (matchmaker) sets couples up based on criteria such as how religious they are, their families, and what they want out of life. The prospective couple gets to know each other and decides if they would eventually like to marry. Mainly observed in Orthodox and Hasidic communities, Reformed and secular Jews can also contact a matchmaker when looking to marry.
Shomer Negiah (No Touching) & Yichud (Seclusion Prohibition)
Not all Jews follow the shomer negiah when dating, but for those who do, it means avoiding all types of physical touch before marriage. No touching or physical contact at all, including hand-holding, hugging, or kissing before marriage. The thought behind this — early introduction of physical touch creates an illusion of intimacy and closeness in the relationship that may not be real. Couples can get to know each other through meaningful conversations and determine emotional compatibility. It’s a way for the couple to show they are serious about their beliefs and their future together.
Working in tandem with shomer negiah, yichud dictates that a man and a woman who are not married or related to each other should be alone to avoid temptation. In traditional communities, dates often take place in the living room of the bride’s family or at the home of a close friend or relative. In more secular or Modern Orthodox communities, dates may occur at restaurants, bowling alleys, ball games, or other places where the couple can relax, talk, and get to know each other.
Tzniut (Modesty)
Considered the hallmark of Jewish marriage, Tzniut, or modesty, is a critical quality to find in a partner. It covers everything from modesty in dress to comportment, behavior, and personal conduct. By promoting respectful and modest behavior in their interactions, Tzniut significantly shapes the dynamics between partners, making it an essential trait when dating becomes serious.
Parental Involvement
In the Jewish community, family involvement in the dating process is a given. Parents provide guidance and set expectations, whether you want them to or not. They also offer encouragement and introduce prospective matches, especially in Orthodox and Hasidic communities.
Observing the Shabbat and Holidays Together
More a guideline than a rule, sharing Shabbat and holidays serves many purposes. Observing Shabbat is the most important building block of Jewish life. There are many ways to celebrate Shabbat. Some light candles and partake in a family meal together, while others say a blessing and scatter. Some avoid toil altogether, and others avoid only some tasks. And sometimes, it means turning off electronics and using the time for quiet contemplation. By spending time together during Shabbat or holidays, couples get to know each other’s families and experience their religious observances and traditions firsthand.
Evolution of Dating Rules & Norms
Over the years, the rules around dating have certainly evolved. In conservative circles, dating remains highly structured. Singles are often set up by a shadchan, and dates take place in family homes or public settings with the primary goal of determining compatibility for marriage. These dates are often deep conversations rather than casual outings, with questions about religious observance, future family goals, and lifestyle taking precedence over small talk. Physical contact is typically avoided until marriage.
In contrast, modern Orthodox Jews blend tradition with modernity. While many singles still use matchmaking, dating apps have become increasingly popular. There’s often more flexibility in how dates unfold, though the intention remains serious.
Reformed, conservative, and secular Jews generally follow mainstream Western dating norms, with less emphasis on arranged meetings and more on organic connections. Dating apps, social events, and even non-Jewish dating pools have become more common in these communities. However, many Jewish singles — no matter their level of observance — still prefer to date within the faith, valuing cultural continuity and shared traditions.
How Jewish Dating Differs from Common Dating Norms
The rules, customs, and traditions above have evolved to support culture and community. That’s why even in the secular Jewish community, dating stands out from mainstream dating culture in several key ways.
1. Intention-Driven Dating: While modern dating often focuses on casual connections, Jewish dating— especially in Orthodox circles — is almost always marriage-oriented from the jump. Even among secular Jews, once a couple is “dating,” marriage is a long-term goal.
2. Family Involvement: Dating often involves parents, siblings, and even entire communities. In traditional settings, family approval is crucial. Even in secular families, “But is he/she Jewish?” is a common question at the dinner table.
3. Cultural Expectations: Compatibility is often the main focus of mainstream dating, while Jewish dating often includes considerations about Jewish continuity, shared traditions, common values, and religious observance.
4. Matchmaking Still Exists: While secular dating apps dominate the general dating world, Jewish singles often turn to shadchanim or Jewish-specific dating apps like JDate that prioritize faith, culture, and shared values.
5. The “Jewish Geography” Factor: In Jewish dating, it’s common to discover mutual connections between families, synagogues, or summer camps. This tight-knit network makes Jewish dating both unique and, at times, hilariously small-world.
Jewish Dating Traditions Meet Modern Romance
Jewish dating is a fascinating blend of tradition, evolution, and personal choice. Whether you’re following strict Orthodox matchmaking customs, navigating the modern Jewish dating scene, or browsing profiles on a dating app, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to Jewish dating traditions.
For some, the structure and purpose-driven nature of Jewish dating offers clarity and security. For others, blending tradition with modern romance is the key to a successful love life. At the end of the day, dating isn’t just about finding a partner — it’s about building a future steeped in heritage, faith, and shared values.
What remains consistent is the deep-rooted cultural value placed on relationships, family, and continuity. So, whether you’re on a shidduch date at a kosher deli or planning a casual meet-up at a bagel shop, just remember: love may be unpredictable, but in Jewish dating, there’s always a little bit of tradition guiding the way.
