There is an art and a science to double dating.
Without any set or prescribed rules, there is an art to selecting the optimal time to invite friends – or even family – to join you and your date for an evening on the town. The science of determining the right moment centers on focusing on your date’s likes, dislikes and what poker players call “tells.” Whether you weigh these factors correctly can decide whether the double date is a dud or a success.
Is it Okay to Double-Date?
Many Jewish singles tend to wonder if it’s okay to go on double dates due to their informal nature. It’s not like going on an outing with another couple is frowned upon, but some individuals and cultures as a whole may see it as a loophole to avoid being serious with your partner. However, double dating can be an extremely healthy diversion from the normal dating pattern you’re familiar with, and it can even help you both let loose and socialize with another couple who are at a similar point in their dating journey.
The real joys of double dating are being able to cultivate these friendships while simultaneously navigating your respective love lives on your own. These joint dates should only be a small fraction in comparison to more serious, intimate ones where you and a partner discuss your own personal expectations and goals for your relationship. But as long as you’re continuing to spend quality time alone together to assess compatibility, there’s nothing wrong with lightening things up and going somewhere with another couple you consider to be close.
Benefits of Double Dating
Going out on double dates can result in numerous benefits for each couple. Here are just a few.
- Camaraderie – Coming together over dinner or drinks with people you enjoy spending time with makes double dating feel like a festive occasion, almost always with a cordial atmosphere.
- Break from Routine – While your day-to-day relationship with your significant other requires the most focus, having another couple to go out with can often lighten the mood.
- Couple Comparison – We never would recommend making 1:1 comparisons to another couple’s relationship, but sometimes it can be helpful to evaluate a duo’s dynamics in real-time or even ask them for advice if they’re trustworthy and have a more solidified long-term connection that you look up to.
- New Date Ideas – When you go out on dates with others, they may recommend new spots to try out or help you move outside the comfort zone of what you’re both typically used to.
- Troubleshooting Relationship Issues – Another couple can actually act as joint mentors to your relationship, especially if they’re older and have been married for some time. Their experiences and relationship tips are not only likely to be helpful, but they can also be specifically tailored to your situation if they already know you.
Is Double Dating Awkward?
If you’re trying to figure out how to make things less awkward, you may have already realized each couple’s personalities or interests don’t necessarily align. And what is a double date without quality interactions, including laughs and stories? There’s nothing inherently awkward about double dating, but it’s always much safer to go out with another couple you’re familiar with since you know their beliefs and values. If you are bringing your significant other on a date with a couple they’ve never met or who may not follow your Jewish practices, it can make things uneasy for them. In essence, so long as everyone knows each other and can get along, a double date can be a welcome switch-up from the normal dating dynamic.
Double Dating Ideas & Tips
Hits And Misses
I learned a lot about double dating from actual experience – mostly failures, but with a few homeruns sprinkled in here and there. An early failure in my double-dating history was on account of arranging a foursome evening that lasted far too long. Double dates are actually like “regular” dates in which the first encounter should include a time limit so both parties can escape without embarrassment. I learned this from arranging to go to a four-hour baseball game with my date, a close friend of mine and his new girlfriend. As it turned out, the women did not click and, by the third inning, the awkward silence was palpable.
That disaster taught me to use the science of more carefully reading my date’s personality along with the art of planning. For example, I knew the same woman who was part of the baseball game disaster would fare better at a New Year’s Eve double date, mostly because one of the other participants was my sister. My date and my sister knew each other from high school, and my older sibling has the sort of personality that makes others comfortable.
Based on my trial and error, I can offer several points of guidance for successful double dating.
Getting To Know You
To make sure your double date will go off without a hitch, ask yourself these questions as you consider how to set up the date:
- How well do you know the couple you would invite, and how well do they know you?
Inviting another couple you know in passing – say, your new neighbors – should be left to veteran double daters. Same goes for friends you have known since elementary school (the ones who are keenly aware of every foolish thing you have ever done). The last thing you want is someone bringing up an old embarrassing story when you’re trying to impress your date.
- Is your date one with a lot of friends, or is she more of a loner?
Being too anxious to show your match off to friends and family can lead to nights of regret if you don’t know a lot about your match. For example, someone with just a few friends may not feel comfortable in a group setting too early in your relationship. If things are clicking, there’s no rush to arrange double dates until you can be assured it will work for all involved.
- Has your date ever suggested a double date, even in passing?
After a few successful dates, you match might suggest getting together with another couple. While that is clear evidence your potential bashert is open to double dating, there is no need to say yes or rush into the invite if you are not ready. Remember, in that scenario, not only will you need to impress your match, you will be under the microscope of her friends. Tread carefully.
- What is the best activity for a double date?
Finding a date activity or outing that is more fun and lively as a group will stimulate the interaction among the group. That may include bowling, trivia nights or even a scavenger hunt. Beware of activities that are so competitive that your date may be embarrassed.
- What will the chemistry be like?
Once you get to know your match’s point of view on politics, religion, education and even food, be cautious to go into a setting where you know the other couple will have diametrically opposed standards. Imagine your date going into a tirade about the evils of eating meat if she is a vegan and your guests are hardcore carnivores. Fireworks are good, but far better than on the Fourth of July than in a white tablecloth restaurant.
If you feel confident you can arrange a great double date, go for it! With these tips, you’ll be ready to make it a night to remember (hopefully, in a good way).
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