Everyone knows nice guys should, in fact, finish first, at least after you hit 25 when you should be long past your “bad boy” stage. However, if you’ve got a nice guy and don’t know how to appreciate him, lack chemistry or don’t think the two of you have a future together, give him the chopping block gently and with class. The reality is that the nice guys of your yesterdays will become amazing husbands for other women. If that doesn’t convince you enough to give him a chance, I am not sure what will. While a bad boy will inevitably live up to his name, a nebbish offers kindness and loyalty that will grow with you through the years.
Importance of Respectful Communication in Dating
Relationships are primarily about give and take, and while it may be some time before you’re able to evaluate a prospective partner, you want to make sure that your desires have been clearly stated, along with hearing out the other person’s wants and needs in return. Communication is at the forefront of all relationships, but in a situation where you’re searching for your lifelong companion, you want to be upfront about which compromises you are or are not willing to make.
And just because you’ve reached a point where you’re confident you must put an end to the possibility of intimacy between you two, deciding how to let someone down can be uncharted territory for inexperienced daters. At the heart of this determination is honesty and respect, which should be afforded to the other person regardless of why you personally want to end things. If you want to reject someone nicely, here are some additional tips on how to let someone down easy.
Common Challenges of Ending a Relationship
If you’re wondering how to turn a guy down or insist on a breakup with a woman without looking like the bad guy, there are some constructive ways you can provide boundaries and closure by stating the truth, as opposed to providing false hope and leading the situation into an awkward split or messy entanglement.
Importance of Honesty
There’s nothing worse than seeing a relationship come to an end and having to find out the person was not honest with their feelings prior to the actual fallout. If you’re wondering how to let a guy down, it’s inconsiderate to lead them on and make them believe things are going smoothly if, in actuality, they are not. Your honest opinion matters over the course of a relationship, not just at the end of a breakup. It’s important to remember how communication can address varying issues as you navigate through the dating process, but if you’ve decided the relationship just isn’t for you anymore, you’re more than free to be forward.
Being honest does not mean being condescending or rude because the situation didn’t work out. Instead, consider giving constructive criticism on which flaws you think apply to their dating approach and try not to focus on their personality quirks that aren’t a dealbreaker. Reassuring someone that it just wasn’t the right fit for you is perfectly okay, and you can focus more of the reasoning behind your choices on yourself rather than the other person.
Choosing the Right Setting
When it comes to calling things off, it would be inappropriate to do so on a casual whim without first considering your surroundings. Remember, you’re not contemplating how to turn a guy down but how to actually let a guy down easily. This requires thoughtful effort, not only in a comfortable setting but at a mindful time. Take into account the roadmap of the relationship up to this point, and determine when would be the best time. If you know their Wednesdays are the craziest day of their week, don’t choose to end things on Tuesday night. On the other hand, if there’s a big family event you’ve been invited to, it would be unethical to wait until after it’s passed to break up.
Some potential places that can work best for a timely breakup include coffee or a casual dinner where you can talk over sustenance one-on-one to help soften the blow. If you’re proposing the idea of an ongoing casual friendship, you may find more freedom. Think of a walk in the park or a trip to the hang-out spot where you share a mutual hobby. If you’ve decided the physical interactions don’t suit you, or distance is a factor, ending a relationship over the phone is always an option, but if you can muster up the courage to make that a video call, the message will be received with more sincerity.
Communicating with Empathy
Another helpful practice when considering how to let someone down easy is ensuring you deliver your reasoning with not only honesty, but empathy. If you and the person you’re separating from met through a dating app, you can relate to the uncertainty that comes with dating someone whom you were making an educated guess on. Once you state your case, you can identify discernable differences that instigated your decision-making, and hopefully, the other person will have similar concerns regarding compatibility based on interests, lifestyle, or just the gut feeling from previous dates. If you’re empathetic and honest about your feelings, it may prompt them to understand better, or at least accept the relationship has come to an end.
Providing Clarity and Closure
You want to make sure that when you do break the news that you’re no longer interested in maintaining a relationship with this significant other, you’re clear with your delivery and rationale. If you find yourself to be nervous, stuttering, or intimidated by the concept of breaking up, it may work better to organize your thoughts and postpone this declaration to another time. You want to make sure you’re clear-headed and intentional with your words so that the entire situation is not made to feel disingenuous or degrading. The more sincere of an explanation you provide, the more understanding the other party will be, resulting in acceptance and ultimately, closure so that you don’t leave the person wondering what went wrong. This peace of mind, at least
Coping with Rejection and Time To Heal
Anyone you meet can probably tell you that rejection stinks because no one is perfect or immune to it, no matter how good they try and “perform” in a relationship. Dating is about compatibility at the end of the day, and learning how to let a guy down easily doesn’t mean they’ll be free from the aftermath of rejection. Many times, rejections and breakups can lead to a time of self-reflection, and if you’re able to communicate the reasonings behind why things didn’t work out between you two, hopefully, they can apply that experience, and each of you can emerge better than before. Dating should be a time of both positive and unified growth, and even when moving on, both parties should be able to take away the positives and have valuable feedback to apply.
After going through a breakup, it’s understandable that both sides will need to take some time to process the situation and clear their minds. This is a good practice to respect the other person’s privacy because most people would prefer to have their own time and space to heal and recover mentally. If you’re constantly following up, you’re not allowing them to truly grow or fully understand the situation, because this may be taken as a mixed signal. Keep cautious and adhere to each others’ boundaries, and this will ensure their coping mechanisms are natural, allowing a future mindset to be more introspective based on their learnings from your time spent together.
Still, if he’s not for you, here are some ways to let a guy down easy.
1. Blame Yourself
Instead of putting the blame on the nice guy, blame yourself. Yeah, it’s cliché, but tell him you clearly don’t appreciate good men – at least not yet. Tell him you’re attracted to jerks and tend to stray away from nice guys, so that he’s better off in the long run. Chances are, there’s a kernel of truth to that anyway. Either way, you will look crazy, but perhaps you won’t hurt his feelings.
2. Be Honest
Instead of making up some nonsense, you can be honest and say the chemistry isn’t there. It always hurts to hear that, but at least some can admire your honesty.
3. Don’t Slow Walk
No matter what you do, don’t do the slow walk-away! The slow walk-away is like ghosting – you stop responding to texts slowly, drop off from meeting up or making plans, or start to kill the relationship at sloth speed rather than telling the person directly that you want to discontinue dating. It’s the worst feeling as the other person knows he’s getting dumped or blown off.
4. Offer Friendship, But Make Boundaries Clear
He most likely won’t want to be your friend after a breakup. But if you tell him directly that you don’t want to pursue the relationship but would love to develop a friendship, you are at least being honest and giving someone the chance to make a new friend. He probably won’t take you up on your offer, though.
5. Give It One Last Shot
If this nebbish is a really nice guy even in his schleppy-ness, give it one more date to really decide if you’re sure that he is not the one for you. Feelings take time to develop. You might be passing on someone good all too quickly.
6. Do It Via Phone Or Face-to-Face
If you only went out once or twice, a text breakup is okay, but after that I truly feel telling someone over the phone or face-to-face is the best way to let a guy down easy. It’s what you would want someone to do for you if the roles were reversed.
Even if you’re searching for a nice guy, you need to make sure he’s the right one before you commit. If you’re just not feeling it, be sure to let him down gently.
You may also be interested in 5 Tips For Getting Over A Breakup Jewish-Style
I have been married, divorced, dating quite a bit, and fortunately, now in a developing relationship. Given that experience, I want to say that Laura’s advice is spot-on.
I have been ghosted, slow-walked, given unauthentic excuses, as well as having been on the receiving end of the sting of honesty. Yes, it hurts to hear the truth when a woman doesn’t feel enough chemistry or there’s some other disconnect, but I can tell you that it’s far better to hear the truth than to be offered up any of the other methods. Not only does honesty hurt for only a short time instead of going through a longer, torturous period of uncertainty, but it provides complete closure. After the short time of feeling let down, I never found that I continued to look back, wondering. I was able to move forward fairly quickly and be fully open to the next possible relationship. Don’t you think it’s better to at least give a guy that?
When you want to tactfully remove yourself from a connection with a guy, it may be because you want to avoid uncomfortable feelings and unwanted entanglements. But if one of your reasons is to try to avoid hurting him, it may be that what you’re really doing is avoiding discomfort within yourself by being direct. Understandably, that’s not easy for anyone. But while you may think your concern is for the other person, consider the possibility that in reality, your concern is actually for yourself.
We cannot avoid the reality that we bear some degree of responsibility for others’ feelings and well-being when we put ourselves out into the dating pool. It’s unavoidable. So do the right thing and give a guy a full chance to appreciate his qualities, but be honest. It’s really best for all, including yourself.