I grew up thinking that there was a perfect man for me out there and that all I had to do was wait for us to meet. Would it end up being the boy I went to elementary school with (what a cute story that would make, right?) or someone I’d meet in college (aww, college sweethearts!)? Or would I meet someone new and just know that he was “The One”? I didn’t think about any of the effort I’d have to make to date; I assumed that it would be kismet.
But life doesn’t work that way. Books and movies romanticize love and create unrealistic expectations. So how do we get past the idea of a perfect mate?
Can You Offer Perfection?
Not only do we fantasize about how we would meet our beshert, but the vision of said beshert is also steeped in fantasy. We all have appearances that we are attracted to, and I don’t know many people who would turn down a “comfortable” lifestyle if it was offered to them. In addition, there’s our idea of what romance should look like in a relationship. The perfect person would automatically know what our love language is and shower us with romance without having to be told if we prefer acts of service, gifts, affirmation, quality time or physical affection.
This has to be reciprocal, of course, so we would need to also be their perfect type and their perfect partner. It’s a two-way street. If you expect perfection, shouldn’t you offer perfection? That’s a lot of pressure! But looking at it from this lens will show you how impossible it is to expect perfection since you can’t offer perfection. You want someone who has faults, lest you yourself never fail.
Embracing Imperfections: The Reality of Relationships
Once you’ve dated someone for a while and begin to run into some bumps in the road, you may hear people encourage you by saying, “No relationship is perfect.” While this may seem obvious, they’re completely right, especially in the context of Judaism. Perfection is merely a distinction that exists between God and man, where mankind is certain to have flaws, and these are largely part of the human experience.
Complexities of Jewish Dating and Relationships
There is no preconceived expectation that a Jewish man or woman should have just because they are pursuing a partner who shares in their faith, and that’s because Judaism can look quite different depending on where you live and what your family’s background is. Depending on how spirituality plays a part in someone’s everyday life, you may have stark contrasts in lifestyle or very similar routines and practices. It’s important to communicate these nuances at the beginning of a relationship in order to determine a level of connection.
Common Challenges
There are numerous types of challenges one may face when pursuing a relationship under the Jewish faith. Cultural beliefs and practices may not align based on sect, family structure and roles may differ, or the overall importance of spirituality in daily rituals is not the same. While fellow Jewish folks may be willing to compromise and make some adjustments, it’s highly unlikely that someone is willing to change their way of life if it affects their faith at all.
This is a particular reason why online dating sites like Jdate prioritize filtering these discrepancies using our algorithm. This allows us to match eligible Jewish singles based on their individual spiritual qualities first while still factoring in other interests and future aspirations that also complement your compatibility.
Embracing Imperfections
All relationships, regardless of religious affiliation or initial infatuation, are going to experience ups and downs, which are a large part of what shapes us through the process. Most times, openly discussing your differences with a prospective partner will help you gain insight and clarity about one another. This will not only help you learn what you’re looking for in a future companion but will also present you with opportunities to grow and see the beauty of working through these distinctions to form a greater bond. At the end of the day, love and faith will comply with your intuition.
Finding Beauty in Imperfection: A Guide to Jewish Relationships
No matter the dynamics of a relationship, as you can seldom ignore the elephant in the room, you can’t just force yourself to see the beauty in the midst of imperfection right away, either. Learning to understand what you should take away from these dissimilarities and how you can embrace them and use them to your mutual advantage going forward is a true application of relationship building.
Imperfections Lead To Growth
Any older, wiser Jew will remind a young person who is looking for their ideal partner that God is at work, and the relationship opportunities presented allow you to decipher your earthly expectations from your faith. When having a firm foundation in your spirituality, you allow yourself to be patient when awaiting growth. Whether it’s behavioral, spiritual, practical, or otherwise, the more you’re able to work through qualities you see as imperfections, the more your connection will blossom, and the more you’ll each grow individually.
Using Flaws to Build Connection
You should always work through your respective flaws with compassion and empathy, and these instances don’t require any ultimatums that put pressure on the other person. Instead, take the opportunity to be vulnerable and hear the other person out, then do your best to apply their thoughts if you truly value their opinion. Efforts to work toward each other’s expectations display personal growth and commitment to the relationship, and this will almost always result in a deeper bond.
The Myth of Perfection in Jewish Relationships
As we pointed out earlier, only God is perfect, and therefore no individual or relationship can ever come close to his love that presides over the Jewish people.
Challenging the Myth of Perfection
Many of us are constantly experiencing the societal pressures that come from dating, but what we commonly fail to realize is that these representations we see on platforms like social media are superficial and disingenuous, oftentimes failing to reveal the real story behind a relationship.
A huge key to a happy and healthy relationship begins by not comparing your situation to others, always ensuring you’re keeping your personal beliefs, goals, and values at heart. Setting unrealistic standards can result in a lack of harmony, which may lead either or both of you to feel unsatisfied, which isn’t fair as long as you’ve both clearly stated your needs and desires with one another. In fact, acknowledging that no relationship is perfect while constantly willing to work towards that ideal shows a far greater sense of commitment.
Authenticity in Imperfection
Many times we fail to see our own personal shortcomings, but our imperfections are an example of our authentic selves. This means that when the person we’re dating points out something we may initially reject as true, we can observe and apply it going forward to address this quality we may have overlooked or been unaware of. However, your partner should ensure that this is just who you are and not a fatal flaw that defines you. They should also come from a place of kindness and encouragement when bringing it to your attention.
Healthier and More Genuine Connections
The more honest and open your communication is throughout your relationship with your significant other, the more likely your companionship is going to be able to thrive. This is the case whether you’re in the first few weeks or a few years down the road into your time together. The more you work together to acknowledge, apply, and show that your partner’s thoughts and opinions matter to you, the more understanding you’ll achieve, solidifying a mutual, unbreakable bond that’s engulfed in both love and faith.
Perfect For You
Perfect is not checking boxes on paper. A better way to look at love is to look for the perfect person FOR YOU. That means finding someone who complements you: they succeed where you have shortcomings and vice-versa, they enjoy the same type of humor, and, of course, they have some similar hobbies and interests. But someone who complements you also means someone who challenges you, who introduces you to new experiences, and who encourages you to be the best you whilst you do the same for them.
Perfect FOR YOU does not mean that you will always agree and that you will never fight. Perfect FOR YOU means it’s someone you can see yourself living with, talking to and being interested in and attracted to for a very long time. Most of the other stuff is nonsense.
Stop looking for perfection and rejecting prospects for ridiculous reasons (has back hair, took six years to graduate college, rents instead of owns, puts mayo on hamburgers, doesn’t like Star Wars, etc.). Does the person put a smile on your face and make you feel comfortable? Take that and run with it!
You may also be interested in 7 Ways To Recognize Your Beshert
There aren’t too many available men in my age group locations and interests. I found 3 matches. One of them hadn’t been on the site for 4 months, another for six days, and the third one had only a few of the same interests. I certainly hope that I can find more matches, otherwise I’m going to have to cancel my subscription.