Scrolling through Jdate, it’s easy to only be pulled in primarily by pictures. It’s why I write a lot about how to choose your photos; people will look right past you if you don’t grab their attention right away. Looking past looks is often easier said then done.
And it’s no different when you meet someone in person. As humans, we have a need for instant gratification and have been told in movies and books that attraction is immediate. So when someone doesn’t catch our eye right away, we tend to disregard them and move on. We judge the book by its cover. But is this healthy? Is it better to start looking past looks – online and offline?
Be Mindful
We need to train ourselves to slow down and give other people the same consideration we would want in return. Just because someone is looking disheveled doesn’t mean they don’t take care of themselves, just like someone wearing all high-end fashion brands isn’t necessarily a snob.
We are so quick to judge and label someone we don’t know and then get upset when we are victim of the same practice. Ironically, one of the labels people hate the most is being called judgmental, which means we have to practice what we preach.
We all know that looks don’t last forever, yet we still put so much stock into attraction and that elusive “love at first sight” idea. How has that turned out for most of you? Not so well if you’re reading this, right? And yet we don’t stop at the grainy photo, or the one with a hat and sunglasses, or the person across the bar who is wearing a scowl on their face, or the one dressed in a manner you deem suspect.
Balancing Act: Personality vs. Looks in Jewish Dating
It can be harder than you think to dismiss physical attraction when searching for your prospective partner, but as a person of faith, you are called to focus on much more serious qualities in an individual apart from their appearance. That doesn’t mean physical attraction isn’t important – it’s just not the only thing you should be worrying about.
Why Physical Attraction Matters
It’s only natural that we are drawn to another person’s external features, and that has largely been an innate tendency among human beings for centuries. Your Jewish family members will always have something to say about who is good for you based on their unsolicited opinions, but at the end of the day, you also strive to be with someone you’re genuinely attracted to.
It’s worth acknowledging that everyone usually has their own variety of characteristics they fancy, and when paired with a strong emotional or spiritual connection, this attraction can seem even stronger. That’s because we see beauty in people through multiple lenses, so when someone we find good-looking is also compassionate and respectful, it makes them even more appealing.
Connecting On Other Levels
Looking past someone because of their looks isn’t just a superficial way to go about judging eligible singles. It also completely undermines the character and personality of that individual. If you’re only analyzing someone based on appearance, you’re missing their most sincere and vulnerable traits, leading you to overlook the person’s true nature and intentions. This could lead to missed connections that would have otherwise had strong foundations in spirituality, hobbies, and life goals.
This is why we tend to gravitate toward people with like-minded interests and lifestyles rather than focusing on a particular hair color or height. Understanding each other’s mindset and future aspirations usually provides a better gauge of what you’re seeking in a partner overlooks anyway.
Complexities With Faith
Judaism provides a very clear-cut outline of what the dating process and, eventually, family planning should look like. With varying Jewish sects, modern interpretations of tradition, cultural diversity, and intersections of faith all playing a factor, navigating spiritual relationships as a Jew has never been harder.
Thoughtfully conveying each of the characteristics and preferences we see to define ourselves seems impossible in a day and age where meeting someone by chance has become increasingly difficult. This is why tailored apps like Jdate use our comprehensive algorithm to factor in personal, professional, and faith-based preferences in order to match users with a partner they align with on all the essentials. Subsequently, you can hand-select a profile based on whose pictures you’re attracted to and see if there’s a further mutual connection there.
Navigating Jewish Dating with a Focus on Personality
At some point, we stop attempting to pursue a sole individual or type we’ve restricted ourselves to and begin looking deeper into people’s character. This often comes after experiencing shallow interactions or from personal maturity that’s developed after we’ve gone through several underwhelming endeavors where we failed to look for substance in the relationship.
Prioritizing Personality Traits
Jewish communities, like many others, value honorable qualities like compassion, empathy, truthfulness, and work ethic, but there are also some cultural traits that are exceptionally admirable and respected across generations of the Hebrew people.
One is wisdom, with the capability and willingness to listen and learn, exhibiting an understanding of trusted advice that includes learned experiences unique to your family. This also provides a unique insight into your upbringing. Another is courage, which has been a deeply ingrained quality among all Jews since originally being outcast from their homeland thousands of years ago. Finally, there’s the fortune of humility and temperance, both of which show a willingness to proceed humbly while also responding in kindness and forgiveness.
Fostering Genuine Connections
When you actively choose to seek out and value these sorts of traits as opposed to trivial ones like looks, status, or wealth, you begin to learn more about what people live for. This also allows you to see what their passions and ambitions truly look like, whether in the context of their personal, professional, or spiritual life. The more you get to know about someone, the more you’ll appreciate why they act the way they do, and that level of depth in a relationship is what builds a deep connection formed through trust and vulnerability.
Encouraging Pride in Individuality
No two human beings in this whole world are exactly alike, so embracing what makes each of us unique is always a huge advantage when dating. Allowing yourself to come across as genuine not only removes uncertainty about you to a potential partner but also shows that you’re authentic and comfortable in your own skin, which is just as attractive, if not more, than appearance.
Jewish Dating and the Role of Looks vs. Personality
Those dating within the Jewish community are going to find a different selection of things to be attractive depending on what they value, whether it’s purity of faith or showcasing family values. While Jews have never been more diverse as a population, there are ways to sift through eligible singles to find the best balance of looks vs. personality that fit your modern expectations.
Balancing Types of Attraction
Although we’re saying not to worry about looks, it probably goes without saying that you’re not going to be willing to date someone you’re not attracted to in any capacity. Instead, when you do meet someone who is charming and still draws your attention visually in some way, you may become open to the potential of growing even more fond of them than you originally anticipated because not only are they willing to take you up on a date or relationship, but your interpersonal connection may grow beyond your wildest comprehension.
Mutual Fulfillment
When it comes down to brass tax, both parties in a relationship are hoping to create and build a formidable bond that has a foundation in Judaism, joint goals for the future, and ideally, mutual interests, which help achieve a sense of shared passion between both individuals. The more each person feels heard, understood, and loved, the greater the chances you’ll have at achieving a long marriage and life full of happiness.
Evolving Connection Through Faith
Using your spiritual connection to further enhance your relationship is something that all of your more experienced Jewish family members probably have suggested, but you may not believe it until you implement it into your own life. This foundational faith offers you refuge during tough times, insight into how to deal with challenges that may arise, and ultimately presents you with a guide that instructs you on how to find peace and meaning in life with your partner through prayer. This strong conviction is essential to forming a devout Jewish family of your own.
Find A Love Connection
Imagine Chuck Woolery introducing you on “Love Connection.” How would he describe you? If people were introduced by their character traits first, you may be surprised by who’s behind the description. And this isn’t a bad thing.
Looking past looks means trying not to mentally reject a prospect before giving them a fair shake. What have you been missing from dates where the attraction was instant but the connection was not? Focus on looking for those holes to be filled and you’ll see the attraction grow.
We have all heard the advice about to “marry your best friend,” and there’s a reason that saying exists. Your best friend is someone who you are comfortable with, who you can talk about anything with, who you enjoy being around, who you trust, who you turn to in good times and bad, and who you look forward to spending time with.
If the attraction was questionable in the beginning, you will find that someone who you can depend on is much sexier than a good head of hair, pretty eyes, or a great smile.
Looking Past Looks
If you want to narrow down prospects using the search preferences tool, that’s fine, but don’t narrow it down so far that you’ve eliminated great people.
Then, give a chance to those who meet your criteria but perhaps doesn’t have great photos or aren’t “traditionally” good-looking. Start looking past looks. Along the way, you will also find yourself evolving as you put more weight into who a person is rather than how they look.
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