Oh, mechutens … what to do with the mechutens? If you’re unfamiliar with what the heck a mechuten is, it simply means “in-law” in Yiddish. In-laws present an interesting situation. You are forced to become family with them because of who you marry. You grow up with your own parents for your whole life, and now all of a sudden, you enter a new world with another set of parental figures, and it’s a bit, well, strange. I’m not exaggerating even a little bit when I say in-laws get brought up at every single dinner I go to with friends, and I’ve heard it all. I’ve heard horror stories, and then I’ve heard the other side of the coin. Why are in-laws, specifically Jewish in-laws, such a big deal?
How Culture Impacts In-Law Relationships
While it’s not exclusive to just Jewish culture, the relationship you have with your in-laws is sure to be an ongoing learning process, especially in the case of a big, crazy Jewish family. This is almost always going to require patience, and once you factor in their age and the lifestyle differences between when they grew up and now as you’re dating their child, a lot has certainly changed. In traditional Judaism practices, your own parents would effectively take part in the matchmaking process by vetting other potential families in the area to find you a spouse. In today’s age, you can find your Bashert on a mobile dating app. It’s hard to say what a Jewish mother-in-law would say about that.
But while you should respect your elders in any sense, understanding the strong values at your partner’s familial core is essential to forming a deep connection with them, even if you have notable differences. It’s important to get to know your potential in-laws before becoming engaged because you want to understand the kind of background the person you’re dating comes from so you can adapt and assimilate into their lifestyle. Even different sects of Judaism have a variety of expectations when it comes to a parent’s role in the dating process, so it’s necessary to be open-minded and accepting of these individualities. Sometimes, more serious compromise and education will take time, but it can ultimately become a rewarding endeavor.
Setting Boundaries with In-Laws
One of the most critical lines you must draw with your in-laws is how you and your spouse will incorporate them into your lives, both in terms of time spent and information exchanged. Having a carefree relationship with these family members can be fulfilling, but too much insight or quality time can begin to feel invasive. There should be a transparent conversation about the boundaries you decide to set, and you can feel free to inform them that you will not be letting them critique your role in parenting or personal space, among other things.
Certain traditional values will call for you to adhere to specific requests from your in-laws, but you can participate graciously by being mindful of their cultural expectations in those moments. Understanding the importance of these beliefs and showing empathy or participating in discourse about these practices means that you respect their role in the family and acknowledge the contributions and traditions that have raised the person you love.
Balancing Loyalties
Something important to remember is that your spouse is your first and immediate concern, and your in-laws might happen to agree with this. Despite feeling the need to impress or cater to each of your parents’ every need, it’s important to prioritize the health of your own relationship first and not let parents interfere with your dating life. Communication about how and when to dedicate time to your in-laws is helpful and restricts over-involvement in your daily affairs. In cases of disagreement, however, there should also be a careful understanding of when to leave well enough alone. Triangulation can further instigate or ruffle feathers when concerning relationship issues, so you want to separate your life at home from the one you share with your parental figures.
The Importance of Communication with In-Laws
The more time you spend with your significant other’s parents, from the time you’re dating through when you’ve become married, will help them continue to learn more about you and display even more acceptance and understanding over time. Even if they already seemed to condone the relationship, Jewish families wish to grow close to their children’s spouses and incorporate them into their kin as if they were their own. By having good communication and understanding of family dynamics, as well as the ability to celebrate milestones and successes or struggles and hardships together, the bond between you and your in-laws will grow harmoniously over time.
Integrating into a New Family
Eggshells
I can’t speak to other religions or faiths, but in the Jewish world that I know quite well, I’ve learned that dealing with in-laws can potentially lead to disaster. Not mine, of course (Hi Cindy! Hi Barry!), but in general, I find that a mechutainista (mother-in-law), for example, can walk a very fine line with her daughter-in-law. It might be because the mother-in-law doesn’t want the daughter-in-law to think that she is trying to replace her own mother. It might also be because she knows that if she pisses off the daughter-in-law, the son is going to be an unhappy camper who may even distance himself from his dear old Mom in order to side with his wife. In situations like this, I find the mother-in-law aiming to please her daughter-in-law at every moment, to the point of walking on eggshells to make sure no feathers are ruffled.
Over-Involved
Then, we have the over-involved mechutens – oy to the vey. These are the ones who think their son or daughter is still a child who has to abide by their rules. Newsflash, mechutens: your “baby” is now almost 30, so let’s dial it back, shall we? This can become a major problem, and one that needs to be dealt with almost immediately. If not, the relationship might be headed in a bad direction. I’ve seen it before; when the mechutens get too involved and meddle all the damn time, it does not help the marriage at all. In fact, more than likely, the marriage won’t last.
Under-Involved
Then, there’s the under-involved mechutens. This type you actually wish called more, helped more and were more involved in your life. For those who can’t imagine their in-laws ever being under-involved, they probably think this would be heaven on earth. The grass is always greener though, right? In these situations, couples can either ask the in-laws to be more involved or simply accept that they won’t have that close relationship with them that they might wish for.
Can’t Cut The Cord
The worst, I’d say, is when the in-laws just can’t cut that cord. It’s quite literally as if their child is still attached to them, and heaven forbid he or she makes any life decision without Mom and Dad involved. As mentioned above, this can really be harmful to a relationship. Boys (and girls, but typically I see this with the men), if your mother can’t let go and understand that this girlfriend (or wife) of yours is your #1 now, you need to sit down and chat with them. You need to explain that while you’ll always be their son, you are an adult now, and should be treated as one.
Here’s the thing. Mechutens can be great. But they can just as easily be a huge source of stress in your relationship. Focus on making sure you and your partner are on the same page on this matter, and your relationship should be golden.
