“I’m just scared to let my guard down because I really don’t want to get hurt.”
How many times have you heard (or said) that line? I would venture to guess that this is one of the most commonly used excuses when it comes to dating and relationships. Here’s the thing, though; if you don’t let your guard down, you might never know if this relationship has the potential to work. We are all human, and we crave love even after heartbreak, but letting your guard down is a way to heal.
I know, I know. It’s scary. It’s really scary to open up and be vulnerable. It’s a risk worth taking, though, and it can be more than worth it. Yes, it’s possible that you’ll end up getting hurt, but if you don’t try and you don’t open up, you’ll never know. And if you do end up getting hurt, at least you know it’s not the right relationship for you, and now you’re free to explore other relationships.
What Does It Mean to Let Your Guard Down?
I hate to sound all preachy, but this might be the kick in the butt you need. The more you hold back and the more you stay closed off, it’ll be that much harder to move forward in a relationship. So use these tips to let your damn guard down and finally get a shot at something real.
1. Go For It
Honestly, sometimes you just gotta say “screw it” and open up. Share the story you’re scared to share. Answer his questions in a deeper way. Get to really know each other.
2. Listen
Let them take a bit of the lead by listening first. Sometimes, if you just listen to the other person and see how they’re opening up, it’ll help ease you into letting your guard down in return.
3. Be Realistic
Remind yourself that you don’t know what will happen. Of course, you hope for the best and you want it to work out, but if it doesn’t, you will be okay. And the only way to truly take a new relationship to the next level is to open up and be your most authentic self. So let down your guard with the knowledge that the risk you’re taking is worth it.
4. Share Your Fear
Tell this other person that this is hard for you, but that you’re doing it anyway. Let them know that although you don’t easily open up to people, you really want to do so with them.
5. Live In The Moment
Remind yourself to live in the moment. I know this might come across a bit cliché, but it’s true. This moment, this one right now, is the only moment that matters. So, just be present with this person you like and give it your all. If you do that, you won’t have regrets about the time you wasted with your guard still up.
Even though it’s okay to be scared and not want to get hurt, you still have to put yourself out there if you want the relationship of your dreams. If you don’t, how will you ever know if the relationship will work? Open up, be yourself and forget about that guard altogether. It’ll be worth it in the end.
How Childhood Influences Our “Guard”
While you may not necessarily notice it as you’re growing up, your familial situation during your upbringing has a lot to do with how you perceive relationships, particularly when watching your mother and father. If your parents have a healthy relationship rooted in clear communication and emotional vulnerability, you’re likelier to have witnessed compassion and respect on display, thereby influencing you to validate these constructive actions. For those coming from any sort of fractured background, it can be a bit harder to overcome previous fears or childhood trauma. However, an understanding partner can be instrumental in reshaping this perspective.
On the other hand, there’s the discussion of attachment, which is also usually reflective of family dynamics growing up. For those raised in a nurturing household, the components of a strong relationship are readily apparent. At the same time, those who experienced less structure tend to harbor trust issues regarding their past. While these levels of reservation can vary greatly from one person to the next, there are many common defense mechanisms that one can spot in someone who requires a more tender approach. Examples include mood swings, overconfidence, self-criticism, and deflections using negativity or humor, among others.
But even though our past is instrumental in shaping who we are today, that doesn’t mean it has to define us. In fact, the act of letting your guard down inherently allows you the ability to learn and grow at your own pace, both emotionally and physically.
The Importance of Awareness & Self-Reflection
We may not even realize that we have our metaphorical guards “built up” in the first place, but this understanding can become apparent once you get in the habit of practicing self-reflection. A pivotal first step prior to dating requires an acknowledgment of your outstanding situation, both mentally and physically, ensuring you’re aware of what you’re looking for in a partner and having a firm idea of what your reservations might be. Everyone has their own personal preferences and expectations for what a relationship should look like, so coming to that conclusion on your own is a sign you’re ready to pursue serious companionship.
If you’re feeling hesitant, unconfident, or reluctant in different aspects of your dating life, it’s important to be self-aware of what is causing these feelings. Sometimes, we don’t realize when we’re behaving or reacting in a certain way, but when we become more introspective regarding our own fears or triggers, it can help us differentiate between situations in which we recall a past trauma and become conscious when others are trying to be insightful, rather than inflicting harm.
All this to say, coming to terms with your insecurities and working on them proactively is an ongoing and healthy process, so it’s more than okay to be patient with yourself as you learn and grow from your past. No matter your psychological or physical reservations, a loving and caring partner will always put forth their best effort to heed and mend these concerns.
Embrace Vulnerabilities in the Moment
While it may seem cliché, one of the most effective ways to curve self-deprecation is by embracing the fact that no one is perfect. Therefore, there’s no need to be hard on yourself for being vulnerable at any given moment, as we’re all human and have all gone through our respective trials and tribulations. This is where self-reflection is most valuable, as you can learn to be mindful of how to react in certain situations or when touchy talking points are brought up. Even if something is uncomfortable, being mindful and using techniques like deep breathing to stay grounded will allow you to practice navigating these instances over time.
In addition to remembering we all have vulnerabilities, developing emotional resilience is also particularly invaluable. Not only is it important to accept that we all will make mistakes and subsequently learn from them, but how we respond to these missteps and how we bounce back ultimately proves our character. This is also how you can determine if you’re dating the right person. If their attitude is critical instead of compassionate when you share these vulnerabilities, they’re not respecting what makes you who you are.
Embracing imperfections that once held you back will help you earn a sense of freedom, and converting these once-troubling feelings into positive moments of strength will help you keep pushing forward and allow you to find someone who is genuinely accepting of all of your qualities.
Take Small Steps to Open Up
In order to work on tackling your vulnerabilities and letting your guard down over time, you will want to methodically practice opening up about various personal aspects of your life. You don’t want to spill a laundry list of fears or trauma dump in the first few dates, but you do want to share introspective things about yourself that define who you are today. These could be as simple as personal milestones that date back to your childhood to first-hand experiences that shaped major portions of your life, like unique places you’ve been or cherished family traditions.
If you feel that the person you’re seeing is receptive and understanding when you share these details about yourself, you can begin to elaborate as you become more comfortable. Whether you decide to share small victories or serious convictions, each time your partner takes the time to actively listen and show compassion, you can tally it as a successful conversation. While it is important to tread lightly and set boundaries at first, strong connections are built through deep discussions, ultimately painting the picture of what each person wants and needs from the relationship, which requires mutual respect and compromise.
Practice Honesty & Communication
Perhaps no two elements are more crucial to a fruitful relationship than honesty and communication. Without clearly defined boundaries and expectations, it’s hard for any relationship to flourish, but a romantic duo must communicate often without holding back their personal preferences so that you both understand where each other is coming from. Part of this includes expressing your individual needs explicitly, stating why you prefer things one way or another so that the floor is open for amicable compromise.
Another critical component is the willingness to show you’re actively listening, which directly shows you’re processing a conversation and responding in accordance with what your partner has said. If you aren’t giving your full attention to the other person or are building up a wall that you refuse to let your significant other penetrate, you’re inevitably going to have trouble navigating a serious, long-term relationship, as these insecurities will not simply go away by ignoring them.
The ability to admit that at times, in the past or even present, you’ve reluctantly put your guard up, is an honest display of vulnerability, showing that you acknowledge that these actions impacted you negatively and that you’re attempting to institute a change in habit for the betterment of your relationship. Implementing this type of proactive behavior can only strengthen the bond in these instances, as both sides can see the other working to create an increasingly formidable bond.
Heal From Past Experiences
Once you’ve truly grown comfortable with a trustworthy companion, you’ll finally be able to start unloading your biggest reservations. You’ll probably want to carve out an appropriate time for these conversations, but if a genuine connection is already established, they may come out naturally. When you arrive at the moment to talk about these topics, you have the opportunity to let your guard down and dive into serious subjects. And, the more willing they are to listen and respond with a thoughtful viewpoint actively, the more likely it will open the door to increased bonding.
Whether you’re discussing past experiences within your control or those caused by others, showing each other compassion and understanding is the key to attaining mutual empathy, thus leading to a deep connection. A caring partner will help you grow from these experiences, and not only reassure you with positive spins and encouragement to forgive yourself in regard to these incidents, but also show you in practice that they are different from those who hurt you.
Learn Self-Love & Trust Your Instincts
Love and the pursuit of a harmonious relationship can be a grueling endeavor since we all have ideals and expectations that we can’t control and moments from our past that we cannot alter. This is why using affirmations and being patient and compassionate with yourself first is the most successful way to build confidence. Once you embrace who you are and what you’re hoping to find in a lifelong companion in accordance with your preferences, you’ll have a better idea of the character and spiritual nature you’re seeking in a significant other.
If you’re still wondering how to let your guard down in a relationship, developing strong mutual boundaries is a great place to start because it helps you establish comfort levels at different stages of your relationship. However, those reservations will eventually be broken down, assuming your connection is growing and trust has been established. This is often where your inner voice, will guide you to make the right decisions. When you find a match who truly “gets you,” you’ll likely recognize it.
