When dating in your adult life, you run into the very real possibility of falling for someone who has already had kids. However, this is not something to fear or be put off by — it can actually be an extremely rewarding experience. Life happens, circumstances change, and people get divorced or separated for a variety of reasons, and sometimes, that means kids may be left hanging in the balance. However, it’s equally common for these individuals to look to date again.
Whether they’re still adolescents or already adults, you might find yourself Googling “meeting date’s kid” for advice before introducing yourself to them for the first time. It’s incredibly important to acknowledge their priceless value in the life of the person you’re seeing, but it’s also crucial to remember that you’re not expected to replace their real mom or dad. Instead, here are some ways you can foster a heartfelt relationship with your date’s children, and eventually become a figure they trust and see as having the best interests for them in the long run.
Being Respectful of the Kids’ Feelings
When parents separate and get back into the dating world again, it can have an unnerving effect on their kids. While this uncertainty is a new, albeit inevitable, reality for them, there may eventually come a time when one or both parents decide to pursue a new relationship. Of course, the fact that they have kids will be one of the first things that they tell you when you meet, but once you’ve gotten to know one another better and they finally feel comfortable to introduce you, how should you react?
Of course, this introduction is one of great significance, but the first thing you need to remember is how the child or children may interpret the situation. It could be the case that they’re shy and stand-offish, meaning they’re hesitant about the meeting. Or it could be that they’re excited and prepared to ask a ton of questions, sometimes even too many. These reactions will vary by age, but it’s also critical to show compassion and empathy toward these younger counterparts. You need to be prepared to respect their emotions and understand that they could still be possessive of their parent or even protective if they are older.
However the kids choose to react during your first encounter, the best way to approach these introductions is to be kind, earnest, and sincere in your attitude and demeanor. The more friendly and genuine you come across, the more likely they’ll be to let their guard down. Once you’re able to exchange greetings, you can tell them a bit about yourself and explain the circumstances of how you two met. From there, you can see how they respond and proceed accordingly. There’s really no rush for them to warm up to you instantly, so don’t feel dismayed if they don’t respond in a favorable manner immediately. In due time, and with good intentions, they will likely come around if you show how much you care for their parent.
Bringing a Thoughtful Gift and Making Gestures
One way to break the ice with a significant other’s kid is to bring a nice token of endearment. This can be a wide range of things, but as long as it’s a lighthearted gift that’s appropriate for the occasion, it can be a meaningful step in showing that you care for them as much as you do their mom or dad. Of course, you should ask your partner’s permission to do this first so it’s not out of place, but if they comply, you can also gain insight into what sort of things they’re into beforehand.
There are usually two main concerns, if any, for children meeting their parent’s new companion: they’re either concerned you’re stepping into a role in which you don’t belong, or they’re being forgotten in the midst of this new fling. While these are valid concerns, it’s important that you make them feel included from the beginning. Be sure to acknowledge them and treat them equally, always making sure you ask how they’re doing or inquire about what’s going on in their lives. Children of all ages enjoy gratification, but when you make them feel a part of the conversation, they’ll see you’re caring for everything that comes with dating your partner.
Engaging in Child-Friendly Activities
If you happen to be dating someone who’s taking care of kids full-time, it’s possible that your first date and subsequent dates may include their children. This means you’ll need to plan child-friendly activities, which can be stressful if you’ve never had kids yourself. If you have, you’ll know that keeping things simple is the name of the game, so a routine picnic at the park, or stop at the ice cream shop can be a way to stay exclusive, while still presenting the opportunity for you to bond with your date.
There are also a lot of things you can do right at home, like playing a fun board game or doing arts and crafts. Another creative and entertaining way to bond could be making homemade pizzas or decorating cookies as a group. Cooking dinner is a usual date night activity anyway, so why not bring the kids into the action? These are examples that tend to factor in the child’s presence every step of the way and show both them and your partner that you’re not only happy to make them feel involved but you’re serious about the prospects of the relationship overall.
If you treat your partner’s kids with as much kindness and respect as their parent, you’re sure to leave a positive, lasting impression that could stick with them for the rest of their lives, depending on the future success of your dating endeavor. These will always be additional relationships that need to be fostered over time, and the dynamics will ultimately change as time goes on.
If life were a made-for-TV movie, dating someone with kids would turn out one of two ways. When you picked up a date who has children at home, the kids would squeal with delight upon your arrival or, conversely, churlishly hide and dump a bucket of water on your head.
In the real world, meeting your date’s kids is far less dramatic but equally daunting. Not only are you hoping to impress your new match, it would certainly make for smoother sailing if his or her kids were in your corner. Keeping in mind you are not looking to replace another parent, the right moves could lay the groundwork for a long-term relationship should a match become a beshert.
Here are some tips for gaining the acceptance of what could be a hostile audience, whether it’s toddlers or teens.
1. Don’t Be Buddy-Buddy
Don’t walk in and try to sound like a long-lost friend. If there is one thing kids are great at, it’s spotting a phony. You are not, and never will be, one of their friends. Accept that, shake hands, say hello and introduce yourself.
2. Make A Connection
Read the room and look for hints about what interests the kids. If you spot a picture of the kids at a sporting event, take it as a lead and pose a friendly question, such as, “I see you were at the Lakers game. Are you a basketball fan?” If you get a warm response, proceed; if you get stone-cold silence, move along.
3. Don’t Bring Up Your Brood
Never talk about your own children unless asked. If you live in proximity of your date, it is possible your kids and your date’s offspring attend the same school. If one of the children asks, “Is Mike So-and-So your son? He’s in my class,” say yes or no (as the case may be) and hope the conversation ends politely. If, in general, one of the youngsters asks if you have kids, be short and sweet with your response. There is no need to provide a detailed resume of your son or daughter’s after-school activities.
4. Go Light On The Details
Kids are naturally protective of their parent, so one of your date’s more mature children might ask your plans for the evening. Again, be brief yet thorough: “We’re going out to dinner and a movie.” Such an exchange could lead to more dialogue, inquiring about either where you are dining or what movie you are seeing. Treat such interest as a good thing, not an inquisition. On the other hand, if one of the kids asks your yearly income, go ahead and change the subject.
5. Dress To Impress
Always look your best. Impressing your date is paramount to getting sartorial approval from his or her brood, but a well-dressed person tells everyone in the house you take pride in your appearance.
Don’t expect things to get easier over time; if things get serious, your date’s kids’ anxiety may rise if they fear you are going to ease your way into their family and replace their biological mother or father. Always keep in mind that even the most outwardly stoic child may be a sensitive soul inside. Tread carefully, and if all else fails – bribery is always an option (wink).
You may also be interested in “Am I Too Young to Date Someone with Kids?”
